Who Am I?

I haven’t written here since my world was utterly demolished and I’m finding it hard to know how to keep writing here. My bio is no longer relevant and I don’t recognize the woman in the pictures. She no longer exists and never will again.

She is a person who doesn’t know what death looks like when it happens right in front of her. She doesn’t know the true sorrows felt at night sleeping in a bed alone because her partner has died. She believes she will live 40+ years alongside her husband, that they may have children one day, and she will grow old with this man. She hasn’t watched her husband grasp for air and watch in panic and terror as his face turns blue. She hasn’t given him “CPR” to try to save his life and fail. She hasn’t watched paramedics work on her husband who lays on the floor of the apartment they share. She hasn’t known the horror of seeing the paramedic come outside and shake his head saying, “We couldn’t save him”. She hasn’t held her husband’s cold, dead hand and weep in their living room on a warm August night. She hasn’t had to call his mother to tell her he has died, suddenly and very unexpectedly. She hasn’t called her own mother and friend to share the same terrible news. Her hands haven’t moved forward and back as her body processes the panic attacks that come.

She has not thought about ending her own life because the thought of living without him hurts so much that it feels as if her own death would be a relief and a way to be reunited with her love. She hasn’t had a viewing a week after he died, where she would touch his body for the last time. She hasn’t seen what his body looks like a week without life flowing through it. She hasn’t seen his almost unrecognizable face that is blue and bloated as he lies on a table. She isn’t haunted or tormented with the images she saw that night, haunted by him screaming in terror as he experienced a massive heart attack.

She doesn’t know the deep regret of our last interaction. She doesn’t know how hard life is without him in it. She doesn’t know the pain that I live with each and every moment of my day. She isn’t me.

I know all of these things and, unfortunately, I will always be the one who knows them and experienced them alone. I have desperately wanted to discuss these terrors with Ron because he was always the person I talked to about life’s hardships. Now I am the one who must continue without his counsel and without his partnership.

I am the woman who must continue. I am the one who witnessed and experienced all of those terrible moments. I am the one who has seen death. I am the one who lives with the distinct knowledge that life ends, sometimes suddenly and violently, and now sees the world in a way only those who know death can see it. I see Thestrals in a world where most cannot.

I am the woman who is fighting to survive each day. Some are better than others, but all are now dimmer and darker. The world is no longer bright and beautiful to me. It might be one day, but it is not now. I might seem like a woman who is doing alright and going through the motions of life…and sometimes I am. Most of the time, however, I am the woman crying alone in my room or screaming in my car. I am the woman who must decide a future that I’m not sure I want to be part of anymore. I must make decisions that I never wanted to make… alone. I must choose a path in life when the path ahead is foggy and dark. I must know that while I’m “not alone” the truth is oftentimes, I am very much alone.

I alone saw what I saw that night. I alone am the widow. I alone had to decide his urn and decide which pictures to print for his memorial. I alone have memories and inside jokes with someone who no longer walks the planet earth. I alone have had conversations with someone who can no longer remind me what we spoke about.

If you are interested, I have started a side blog, focused on grief and Ron specifically (another way of processing) at: https://erikahops.substack.com/ which you can subscribe and receive via email. It’s very new…

This isn’t supposed to make you feel concerned for me or worried of what I might do. This is simply to help me process this life that I have to live now.

If you’re still reading this, thank you. 🙏

I sit down and load up the computer. I have a thought, an idea, and concept for what I want to write. I log into my account and click on the “Write” button. I see the page load up to reveal a blank canvas. My mind empties. I lose all thoughts, ideas, and concepts that I had just moments earlier. I sit with the screen open for a while until I lose patience with the process and resign that today is not the day I can put words to paper.

I want to share my thoughts on fatphobia and the daily experience of a fat woman who is also part of a fat couple. I want to share my experiences with my new therapist and the wonderful breakthroughs I’ve experienced in feeling known by someone I’ve only spoken with 10 times. I want to share my experience feeling a real desire to have children for the first time in my life. I want to process thoughts on marriage and the dark moments that no one really knows about. I want to talk about the shows I’m watching and the music I’m loving.

Yet here I am. Sitting at my computer. Only able to write sentences or headings of the thoughts I have swirling in my brain.

Someday I’ll be able to post coherent thoughts and actual posts, but until then…

How Budgeting Saved Our Marriage

Growing up, I saw the stress of having very little money and experienced the feeling of having less than my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I was fine, but you know that feeling when you’re suddenly aware that you can’t have everything? That’s what I mean. When I began driving, I was given an “allowance” basically for driving my brother around in the summer and driving to my dad’s every other weekend. That was the only interaction that I had with money and I never really learned how to manage it successfully.

If I wanted a burger, I would “guesstimate” how much was in my account (or look it up depending on what technology was available to me). If I had enough to cover what I assumed the meal would be, the decision was set and the money was spent! I will be completely honest with you…this way of making decisions lasted until I began budgeting more seriously. When I was hired full-time in my first real job, I began to plan a little more by putting the due dates of my bills in my google calendar. I would look to see when I was getting paid next and would add up all my bills to see if I could pay them with my next paycheck. I made that work for several years, but it was always so stressful each time. It was this terribly un-fun game of “Will Erika be able to pay her rent?!” and I came close to losing that game more than a few times.

As I began dating my now-husband, my finances really took a hit. I began using credit cards more regularly and telling myself, “I’ll have enough money to pay this when it’s due” when I had no way of actually knowing that to be true. When we got engaged, I basically lived entirely off my credit card and put many of our wedding expenses on cards. Let me tell you right now, DON’T DO THIS if you can avoid it. It’s one thing if you pay off your cards each month and it’s another when you’re spending money your account can’t afford.

I was spending money out at Starbucks, going out to lunch, grabbing an afternoon pick-me-up, or even just walking around Target and grabbing something for myself. Not to mention the money I would spend when it was my turn to pay for us eating out together or for date nights at the movies (and popcorn!). Basically, this all led to nights of stress and crying in bed. We were fighting and it was hard to see where this path would lead us if we didn’t do something about it.

In sheer desperation, I reached out to a financial class and through that we found the budgeting tool that literally saved us from complete destruction.

If you’re new to budgeting or just looking for the right tool to help you budget, look no further than You Need A Budget (YNAB pronounced “why-nab” if you’re cool). It’s a budgeting software that allows you the flexibility to budget money how you want and can help you accomplish all of your financial goals. They even have a 34-day free trial (which, if you’re interested use my referral link to start your free trial) which might sound boring but I thought it was very helpful because it allows enough time to use the system for free and get in a few paychecks to see if this is something that could work for you.

My husband and I started off slow, just budgeting for the basics (food, gas, rent) and I took advantage of every class they offered (which were also free!) to learn how to use their system. It’s different from most budgeting tools because you only budget money you actually have in your account. This takes the guesswork out of “how much can I spend on groceries right now?” because you can pull up the YNAB app and it will say how much you have in the bank set aside for groceries! The first few months are just learning how you spend money and then learning how you can adjust your categories so that you can better predict what you spend and how much money needs to be set aside in each category.

I can’t even explain the relief we felt when bills were funded and money seemed to last so much longer! We would have weekly “budget meetings” to talk about how we should adjust our categories with either more or less money and it brought us together and made sure we were on the same page with how our money is spent. It also helped that we got a joint account and all of our incomes are put into the same account. That was important for us to feel like this isn’t “my” money or “his” money but instead it was “ours” to be spent like we decided when we budgeted that week.

Now we have funds for future items like new furniture or even buying another car and each month we set aside time to talk about our goals and what we want to accomplish with our money. We were saving for a vacation road-trip but obviously that was cancelled and the funds were moved into other categories to be used for things we know we’ll need this year (like that new furniture we discussed!). When the world opens up again, we’ll start planning and saving for that trip! Slowly but surely we’ll save enough and there won’t be any stress about spending money when we’re on the road because it will all have been planned and accounted for in our budget. I fully trust my husband to spend money wisely and he trusts me. I don’t know where we would be without our budget, but I know it wouldn’t be a happy place.

I recently was on a podcast and got to talk about my love for budgeting and YNAB and I encourage you to listen and see if this is something you want for your financial life. Click here to listen: buff.ly/3rWlhMj

Look, budgeting isn’t sexy or always fun…but if you do it enough, you’ll find freedom in knowing what your money is doing and you control where it’s spent. That’s true freedom to spend wisely and give generously! If you want help on budgeting, please reach out to me and let’s set up a session to get you on the path towards financial freedom and budget harmony!

Quarantine With Me

The week before Christmas I was told to quarantine and work from home because of a close contact with a co-worker who tested positive for Covid-19. It feels bizarre to say it because I’ve discussed this possibility with co-workers for so long that it almost felt impossible after so much time has passed and no positive cases at work. It also sadly makes complete sense with the numbers of cases and infection in LA county so high, it feels like “duh” why did I think I’d be any different?

Thoughts on the virus and our greater society aside, I have had an extra amount of time at home and I wanted to share a few of the things that have been a pleasant surprise in this time of darkness and unknowns.

Star Wars: I’m not entirely sure how he’s done it, but my husband has made me a certified Star Wars fan. I have memories of watching the original trilogy with my dad on weekends at his place growing up and I’ve seen all three of the new movies but in all honesty, I never quite understood the plot. I hated (and still kind of do) how the story is told in such drastically different timelines. I always heard fans say, “This movie is 4 years BEFORE the original trilogy but AFTER the blah blah blah”. That’s annoying. However, I have now watched the entire Clone Wars animated series and Rebels and have become a certified Star Wars fan. If I can suggest any entrance to this story, watch Rebels! I have watched it twice now (yes, the entire series…twice) and I weep at the series finale each time. It’s so good!

The Queen: As you’ll notice in this selection and the next, I’m definitely digging British high society dramas. Although I must admit I was only intrigued to watch the story of Princess Diana when I began watching this show again. I enjoyed Claire Foy so much from the first seasons and the early story of the Queen that I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy Olivia Coleman. Boy was I wrong! I thoroughly enjoyed watching (and hating) the royal family. Honestly, these two seasons have really made me somewhat anti-monarchist but very positive when it comes to more seasons of “The Queen”.

Downton Abbey: I started watching the show by purchasing the DVDs when they became available but fell out of watching the show until now. I’ve enjoyed the soap opera aspect of it less than I used to but the Dowager Countess never disappoints.

I’m now invested enough to at least see it through to the end. I’m just finishing season 6 and then I have the movie! I’m excited to see the shenanigans the abbey gets into and how their story ends.

Super Mario Odyssey: We did make a big purchase and got a Nintendo Switch. I was reluctant at first but it’s been a nice escape in a time when we aren’t leaving our house in real life. I’ve particularly enjoyed Odyssey for the different locations and challenges to beat the big bad. Confession: I do a little dance when the game loads to match a spin-move Mario does when you beat a challenge.

What have you been doing to pass the time? What fun recommendations do you have? I’d love to hear what’s been giving you joy (or fun distraction) these days in the penny for your thoughts box below.

Always,

Faith & Power

This is something I’ve been thinking about and struggling with for a while now. I want to share some of my thoughts and questions here because maybe you’ve been feeling the same way I have.

I have considered myself a Christian since college, when I first truly learned about Jesus. I learned about His amazing teachings and healing and the way Jesus loved those on the outside of society. He loved those that most people (and the religious leaders of the time) shunned and disregarded. I remember being in awe of Jesus and falling in love with the life He lived and wanted to follow Him in how I lived my life.

After college, I was part of a 2-year inner city internship program to learn more about living this life today. I moved to South LA (near USC) for the first time, lived intentionally with others who had been accepted into the program, studied the Bible, and tried to become part of the neighborhood. We would reach out to neighbors and try to share Jesus’ story with them and live life that showed our beliefs in action. It was a challenging and amazing time in my life. It also showed me some of the hurtful parts about Christianity and it was through that lense that my faith began to unravel.

I left the church and ultimately left the life I was beginning in South LA because it no longer felt right. There was so much hurt and pain and it didn’t feel safe or welcoming to me. Fast forward to now and I’ve slowly been working my way back to a church community that accepts all people and is actively trying to follow the Jesus that I learned about in college. It’s refreshing and, sadly, rare to find a community like the one I’m joining.

All of this brings me to what I wanted to write about here. Seeing the way our political system is operating today and how the Republican party has used the name of Jesus for their own political gain is harmful, disgraceful, and just plain wrong. Do they not see that they, and so many of our “faith” leaders have become the pharisees and scribes of today? They are using the name of Jesus to hold onto the power they believe is their own. They have given up all sense of integrity in exchange for power. I’m disgusted and feel my heart grow weary and hateful towards them. I often find myself wanting to know how Jesus would react to them and wonder if it would be anything like the passages from the Bible read in His interactions with pharisees and scribes? 

Jesus went into the temple of God and cast out all those who were buying and selling in the temple; and He overthrew the tables of the money exchangers, and the seats of those who were selling doves. 13 Then He said to them, "It is written, 'My house shall be called a house of prayer'; but you have made it a den of thieves

-Matthew 21: 12-13

I don’t like how my heart has reacted to their false witness and egregious misuse of power. It has darkened my soul and I know that’s not what Jesus wants for my life. I’m working on how to heal even in the midst of their hateful actions…but that doesn’t feel like enough.

I want to get involved in something bigger than myself, something that is actively working for justice and change. I’m getting more involved in my church but everything has to be Covid safe and that puts a lot of limits on what I can do. I’d love to hear any suggestions in the comments below!

Lord, help us heal and help us reflect more of you and less of our own greed and illusions of our own power.

Where do we go from here?

I’ve been looking back on my previous posts and I see a very distinct pattern of apologizing for not writing enough and talking about social media or fatness. It’s interesting looking back on your own words and feeling dissatisfied with what you’re putting out in the world. Don’t get me wrong, those things matter to me very much, but they aren’t the only things I think about or want to write about. This is usually where I would make some declaration of writing more frequently, but I’m not going to do that. I have no idea when I’ll write next and I need to be ok with that for now.

Life is in equal parts challenging and boring right now. We aren’t having parties or get-togethers to fill our time but I don’t feel rested. Work is stressful and ever-changing for most of us and we don’t have the usual outlets to blow off steam (going out to a bar, dancing with friends, or going out to dinner just to be out of the house).

So where do we go from here? I wish I had an answer but I know that we must push forward in whatever way is best for each of us. For me that means, trying to each more veggies with my meals and moving my body more. It means looking for a new job and looking for resources to beef up my resume and my applications. It looks like educating myself with Black voices and learning how to be an ally for Black Lives Matter and other organizations working for justice and equity. It looks like cleaning out clutter in my apartment and organizing the space we spend so much time in so that it’s actually a place of solace and not stress.

My hope is for you to find those small and big ways to move forward in your life to increase joy and resist hate.

Until next time.

Tell Me I’m Fat

If you follow me in Instagram and watch my stories, you may have noticed more posts about weight and fatness. I never used to be comfortable with the word FAT and avoided it at all costs. I went through a phase in middle school and into high school when I would only wear big baggy sweatshirts, because I was literally hiding my body…as if the big sweatshirt would trick people into thinking I wasn’t fat. I would sweat through the hot days in the sweater simply because I didn’t want to be seen. I would try to take up less space and be as invisible as possible because I told myself that if people saw me, they would see I was fat and would rather be invisible than that.

starkidskinny
At a “thinner” point in my life

I’m not sure exactly when I began to change how I thought about myself and about being fat, but I’m sure it’s connected to the NPR Podcast “This American Life” in the episode with the same title as this post which featured Lindy West and Roxanne Gay. Both writers discussed various aspects of living life in a larger body that I really connected with in a way that, quite frankly, I didn’t expect. I found it fascinating to hear stories from fat women and how they’ve come to accept themselves as they are and now demand society do the same. I confess that, while I stopped wearing sweatshirts in high school, the mentality was still there. Just blend in. If you don’t acknowledge your size, maybe you’re considered thin by default?

At the ‘Nsync pop-up, terrified to be seated because of how I would look.

It wasn’t until college that I truly began discovering myself and what I valued. I had friendships that challenged me and brought me such joy and happiness. For the first time, I felt seen and known… and I enjoyed it. Who knew that friends who accept me as I am would make me feel good?

Entering our wedding reception, feeling like a million bucks.

I have also started doing a few things to immerse myself in a world that I had previously avoided. I began following other fat women, plus-size podcasts/brands, and searched for fat positive content. I love what Lindy said on the podcast about calling herself fat and accepting that not as a negative but more a description. She talks about how she thought if she didn’t say the word then it meant she wasn’t fat. I think deep down that I had the same approach. I would say “bigger” or “plus-size” rather than just claiming it for myself. I’m fat and that isn’t a bad thing.

In all honesty, I began writing this years ago but kept putting the draft on the back burner and would doubt putting this out into the world because I’ve heard all sides of the “body positive” debate and I didn’t know if I wanted to enter into the discussion. But I feel as though I’ve reached a point where I am comfortable at least sharing my thoughts. I can’t say it won’t change or how often it may sway this way or that, but I’m human and that’s just our nature. I’m not sure where I land on the spectrum of body positivity because it feels like it’s always changing. I’ll always support women regardless of size, but I also think it shouldn’t be demonized to lose weight or make choices regarding healthy eating. I’m not into diets, but sometimes I feel like that’s the “guide” I’d need if/when I begin eating healthier. All of this to say, I’m a mixed bag when it comes to fat-positivity because it seems to mean something different to everyone.

I believe everyone should accept themselves and be able to improve their mental and physical health. I don’t believe that always means losing weight, but I think sometimes it does.

Listen to the Podcast This American Life entitled “Tell Me I’m Fat” here: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/589/tell-me-im-fat and let me know how you feel about body positivity, fat-phobia, and wellness in the comments below.

Desert Winds

After so long, I’m finally in the right head space to write some of my recent thoughts. There might not be one topic or train of thought, but bear with me. I’ve struggled to find my creative juices and I find myself in a cloud of creativity here in Palm Springs.

Windmills of Palm Springs

Which brings me to my first thoughts. We are currently on vacation in Palm Springs for the second time and I’ve found my time here rejuvenating both times. The desert heat hits me and I feel washed clean of the stresses I’ve carried leading up to the trip. I float in the pool and am immersed in my own head with nothing to distract me. The sun warms my skin and I feel as though I’m breathing deeper and reconnecting with myself. I never knew how much I would love the desert heat and would find relief in the hot desert night drives with the windows rolled down and the hot wind rolling over my hands as they hang out of the window. The first time we came here, I had to leave a stressful situation at work and needed to get out of town. This time I voluntarily wanted some time off work and it coincided with a fumigation at our apartment…so here we are.

Something I do enjoy about these desert trips is how unplanned they have been. It’s honestly so hot and we aren’t at a physical level that we could do some of the things we want so instead, these trips become a simple getaway from our normal lives. I get to swim, sunbathe, workout (yes, I honestly do when I have a nice hotel gym down the hall) and sleep in the air conditioned room. All of these things are luxuries that we rarely get to enjoy at home either for lack of time or lack of motivation. Here I find it easy to take the time to stretch and actually spend 30 minutes on a machine. I feel like the best version of myself comes out on these trips. I’m using my body to be active, enjoying the sun while not being in my office all day, and more importantly I’m resting in the way that gives me the most energy. I like waking up at a decent time, eating breakfast to start the day and then taking a nap at some point in the afternoon.

Passenger seat views

These trips out to the desert are so live-giving to me and each year I’m more thankful for the time we get to spend here. We reconnect and reawaken our souls as individuals and as a couple. Thank you Palm Springs for all you’ve given us these two years and for what you have in store for us in the future. As I write this from the hotel’s “Business Center” I find myself excited to finally be writing again and to have several more days in the desert ahead.

Until then, I’m signing off. Thanks for reading friends.

2019 Life Updates

The last few months have been an interesting time in my life. While it’s hard to discuss and explain everything that has been happening on a public platform, I have so desperately missed writing throughout all of it. It’s been difficult to login to this account and have a deep desire to write, but no creative energy to put towards actually typing anything out. This is the first time that I can remember this being a problem for me. I’ve written a public blog since college, and I was always able to put my thoughts on “paper” and get them out into the small world I cultivated on my site. So it was very painful and depressing to lose that and truly experience real writer’s block.

There is a lot that will not be included in this post…but I’m writing it because I’ve finally pushed past that huge block and have something exciting that I want to share with you!

Hubs and I reached a point in our marriage where we no longer had control of our money. We struggled making payments without charging our credit cards, and those charges only exacerbated our stress each month as our minimum payments increased. We were living above our means and it was crushing us. I had previously heard of Dave Ramsey and casually listened to his podcast/radio broadcast but could never get past my own assumptions about budgeting and would quickly disregard any information/advice he gave. During one particularly tense financial conversation with hubs, I realized that we no longer had a choice and had to act to gain control of our money. Dave was the first person that I looked into and after some initial investigation, I decided that we needed to join his Financial Peace University.

Fast forward to almost completely the 9-week class and basically one month into finally budgeting and we are in a completely different place mentally, emotionally, and financially. All of our problems aren’t solved, obviously, but we aren’t spending nights in tears asking how we are going to make it work. We also added another tool to our “tool belt” and began using You Need A Budget (YNAB). As of writing this we are still using the Free Trial but have decided to keep it and pay for the yearly cost ($83.99) because it’s such a great system and have proven to be extremely helpful for us.

I can’t recommend each of these programs and tools enough! If you are struggling to pay bills or you just want to better understand where your money goes each month, these programs will make everything easier! I’m hoping to post about YNAB more specifically later, so for now I’ll just say that the information we’ve learned about money and the financial world through Financial Peace and YNAB has completely changed the course of our lives. Our marriage is better, our communication and understanding about our money are better, and we are no longer using credit cards…like AT ALL. It’s been wild in all of the best ways.

For example, in the midst of all these changes, I had to get a minor repair done on my car thanks to an impatient driver who grazed my car in a Michael’s parking lot. That repair cost me the entire deductible and more to fix. I wasn’t at fault and was confident I would be reimbursed for the fee, but until then I had to pay out-of-pocket. Before all of these classes, I wouldn’t have even blinked before handing over my credit card. I mean, who can pay hundreds of dollars directly out of their bank account? But Financial Peace is ALL ABOUT no debt, no credit cards. So I prayed, Hubs prayed, and I paid it straight out of my bank account. WHAT?!?

It was a huge leap of faith and it took us to some stressful places waiting for that money to come back. In fact, I had reached a particularly low point thinking we weren’t going to make it without that money and wept on the couch one night after work. As I was crying and praying, Hubs was opening the mail and literally walked over to me and said, “We just have to trust the process” and as he said it he placed the check from our insurance for the deductible.

As you can imagine, I began weeping again, but this time it was tears of joy. God came through for us in a BIG way and it was in the most perfect timing. And this is all within the first month! I’m hoping to post monthly updates and reflections as we journey towards being debt-free here, mainly for my own reflections but also hoping to inspire others to live debt-free too.

I’m not sure what the future of this blog will be. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to write more now that I’ve finally gotten this one out. But I know I’ve said that in the past too. It doesn’t help that we don’t have a computer at home…but writer’s block has been the biggest obstacle in all honesty. So we’ll see. Thank you for taking this journey with me.

xo,

EH

Taking a Break

Hello to any and all (or none) who are reading these words. I am sorry for my lack of writing. I’m mainly sorry because writing is such a joy of mine, and over the past 10 months I have not been able to write. I’ve started a few posts but haven’t been satisfied with the product or haven’t been motivated enough to even complete the thought/post.

I’ve heard that the first year of marriage can be one of the more difficult ones, and I’m here to say that I agree! But for different reasons than I anticipated. I say that only because life has thrown R and myself some pretty nasty curve balls since we’ve been married and some we have dodged and others have hit us right in the gut. I won’t go into details, but these curve balls have been the focus of our life for months and I feel we have lost ourselves in them. I personally have replaced what I felt I’ve been missing with social media, TV shows, games on my phone (which is a serious red flag for me because I’m not even a “gamer”) and at the end of the day…I find myself discouraged and depressed with where I see myself. I’m not happy and I need to take some actions to take care of myself physically and mentally. I’ve written before about my comparison issues and these issues of comparison are making everything feel harder.

So, I am deciding to put my Facebook offline and give myself some time without it. This isn’t simply a “fast from Facebook” but rather a removal of it from my life entirely until I decide to return, if I ever decide to. Now I say that with a heavy heart because I already know there are things that I’ll miss. Events I won’t see pictures of, invites I may not receive, birthdays I won’t get to share. But this is important to me to at least try.