2 years later

These are the profiles that gave us our first glance at one another. Each image chosen carefully. Each word trying to emphasize one thing or another. Strangers meeting online and these two just happen to find their partner. How lucky are we? 

Looking back on these, it’s hard to recognize these two people. They seem so unfamiliar, but I mean that in the best possible way. Ron Hopkins, you have changed my life. You have taught me so much about love and how to better love outside of ourselves. You have taught me patience and kindness towards others, especially when it was difficult to show them that kindness. You have inspired me to take risks and reminded me time and time again that you will be there to catch me if I fall and cheer me on when I succeed. 

You make me laugh, especially when I’m sad or having a hard day… you ALWAYS know how to bring a smile to my face. 

You talk me through hard things and try to help me be better at things that I struggle with, like trust and friendship.  

Together we are eating better and taking better care of our bodies. I’m so glad you and I are doing Weight Watchers as a couple and can encourage one another to continue to be motivated and make the choices to be healthy for one another. 

I will love you always and for the rest of my life. You are my person. For always. And this may not make sense to you now, but it will soon enough: Ron Hopkins, I love you and I like you. 😍

img_3852In an effort to be more vulnerable with you, I wanted to share something about my life and what I’ve been doing lately. It’s nothing radical… it’s actually something I’ve done many times in the past. Motivated not only by my wedding in October but also how uncomfortable I’ve been in my own body for quite some time now…I joined Weight Watchers.

I’ve never tried another weight loss program but it’s the only thing that has helped me lose weight in the past. I also feel like I drank the “Kool-Aid” in terms of the weight watchers approach but I truly don’t believe that anything is worth doing unless it lasts. So things like Jenny Craig or other meal replacements always make me feel as though it’s a waste of time unless you literally do it forever. That means you can’t go out with friends for dinner or go quickly to a drive-thru if you really have no other options. That seems unrealistic in my current lifestyle. Sure, I want to limit the trips through the fast food joints, but to never have it again? Please. Plus I don’t see it as sustainable because those programs cost money and so does their food.

My point is that I love how flexible weight watchers is because you aren’t buying “their” food but rather buying food that everyone eats. And you get to eat whatever you want with the goal being you’ll begin to want healthier options as you progress through week-by-week. Everything has a points value and each member is given a select number of points to use throughout the day. So you get to decide what you have and how many points you want to eat. Want to eat a McDonald’s double cheeseburger? OK but it’s high in points so you’ll want to eat lower point options throughout the rest of the day to stay within your points budget. Choices like should I have bread or would I prefer the frozen yogurt after dinner? Do I want to fill up on fruits and vegetables (which are 0 points) or that one croissant (which is probably 9-11 points)?

Although this is not my first time on weight watchers, it feels like a completely new experience. My mindset is completely different than it’s ever been. I was recently telling a friend that I used to see each weigh-in as a game that I would try to beat. So instead of eating healthy and being mindful of my food, I would try to eat literally anything I wanted right after my meeting and then only be “on plan” for 2-3 days prior to my next weigh-in. I guess I thought I had found a secret loophole to game the system. Joke was on me because I literally gained weight and felt even worse about myself. NOW I am more committed to daily habits of tracking (even if it’s a 22 point muffin from mimi’s cafe!) and being content in my choices. Meaning, when I go out, instead of ordering a swiss avocado burger with fries…I may order a “lighter” burger and salad instead. Previous years I would have been somewhat bitter about what I felt I couldn’t have.

I even made a notebook for all of the weekly booklets we get. They are small and usually only 3-4 pages but it helps me feel even more committed and organized. I also drew the “Love your Life” part of the front page! And I found a notebook that had dividers and a pocket holder for my weekly check-in book that I need each week.

It’s going to be a slower process than alternatives like surgery, pills, or meal replacements…but I’ve learned that doing things slower can often lead to longer lasting results. I’m excited for this journey and feel good about where things are going.

This is a lifelong journey and while that seems daunting, it’s nice to have people who understand and can help support me through the app, the meetings, and through good conversations. The new motto for weight watchers is “Live Fully” and I like all that it implies. Not only can we live fully satisfied by eating good food, but we can experience life to the fullest when we treat our bodies well and have the strength to enjoy all life has to offer. I love it. I hope each of you reading this live fully!

 

 

 

Reflections: Being without Social Media

It’s hard to believe that it’s been an entire month (Jan 7th-Feb. 7th) without seeing facebook posts or reading my twitter timeline. I have to say that it’s been wonderful and frustrating at different times throughout the process. Most of the time I have enjoyed freedom from comparison and have felt much less depressed than I was a month ago. Other times I felt frustrated that I didn’t know about something Drumpf (yes that’s how I’ll refer to Mr. President here) said or tweeted, or that I didn’t know about Beyonce’s pregnancy instagram post. I found myself constantly looking to podcasts from NPR and Science Mike to keep me updated. In the mornings I listened to NPR for Morning Edition as well as on the way home so that I knew what the news of the day had been. Oddly enough, I do think this was a well-timed break with the inauguration and literally all of the insanity that has happened in the last 2 weeks or so.

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The first week was almost too easy. I was very busy at work and when I had a moment to spare, I spent it looking for apartments online and playing on pinterest for wedding planning (which is the only reason I didn’t include pinterest on my social media fast). I couldn’t believe how much I was accomplishing simply by removing the social media distraction. Instead of being bored and scrolling through my “newsfeed” I was looking at apartments and amenities, looking up recipes, looking for fun wedding ideas/themes, etc. I felt extremely productive.

I also joined Weight Watchers again and have been enjoying getting healthier and losing some weight! The most hilarious part is they now have their own social media called “Connect” on the app where you can post pictures and support one another. It’s basically twitter, facebook, and instagram for weight watchers only. I didn’t go on very often but occasionally. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t cheating because this was basically an extension to my weekly meeting. It’s pretty helpful actually and I think it’ll help me be successful to get to goal.

The last week was more challenging as things slowed down at work and I was running out of apartment listings to look into. I also found myself wanting to login and scroll through my timelines at home because I wasn’t interested in the TV or just out of boredom/curiosity. There were a few times that R would see a post and tell me about them (like baby announcements!!) or I would accidentally see his screen as he looked on Instagram and glance at the picture for a second before looking away…but those moments only made it harder because I became more interested to see what other things I may have missed. I even asked him to post on my behalf one time because I didn’t want my friends to think I wasn’t excited for them. One day during my lunchtime walk at work, I began thinking of all the people that I used to keep in touch with and wondering why I hadn’t heard from them…then I remembered…our connection was only through FB posts/updates. Which isn’t a judgement on those friendships at all, just a funny observation.

One of the most unexpected (yet not surprising) things that happened was that I started getting emails like these below:

 

 

 

 

dfdfbfgngngngngngngngngngngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

Like I said, I’m not surprised, but it was an odd reality check to know that these sites monitor your account activity and they knew I wasn’t logging on and tried to get me to come back.

Today marks returning to social media and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Sure it’s nice to have something to look at when I’m bored or to easily keep in touch with friends & family. But the reason that I decided to take myself off-line still exists within me and even in the 30 minutes or so that I spent looking at all these sites this morning, I felt as though I didn’t miss much. Now I’m looking to see how I want to use social media and how I’d like to unplug more often. This month showed me how much happier I am without social media on a regular basis. I met up with a friend the other day and she mentioned to me that she only checks FB on the weekends, so I may follow her lead and do the same. We’ll see though. I’m much more active on twitter (and more informed on news through that source than anything else) and even on Instagram, so it should be easy to limit FB to weekends.

For anyone thinking about trying this out, I highly recommend it. I feel better about myself and accomplished a lot in the past month! I didn’t feel like I was missing out (too much) because I was too busy doing my own thing rather than just watching what everyone else was doing. Unplug and do what you want to do. It’s freeing and exhilarating.

The last picture I’ll share is the notifications I came back to. It’s funny because a LOT of it is just a notification that someone posted a picture or updated a status. Seems like someone was pretty desperate for me to come back  *wink *.

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La La La

This past week R and I had the chance to see “La La Land” after some pleading on my part, and I have to say I have mixed feelings. Walking into the movie I had very high hopes because I love musicals and Ryan Gosling so I figured this would be a homerun for me. I was also told that the opening scene was worth the price of admission so right off the bat I was excited. I will say that if you have not seen the movie and do not want to be spoiled stop reading now. *YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED*

la-la-land-poster-reviews

I am sad to say that I didn’t enjoy the beginning as much as I had hoped. It’s  funny because now I do find myself listening to the soundtrack and enjoying it, but visually it’s odd and I didn’t enjoy watching it. I expected something completely different than they delivered so it was tough to adjust my expectations in the beginning. Once Ryan Gosling & Emma Stone were on screen it got better, but I also didn’t enjoy the “Someone in the Crowd” number leading up to the house party. It’s sort of all over the place and I’m not entirely sure what it accomplishes for the film. Thinking back on it now, I guess it’s a love song for LA and that could be the exact reason that I didn’t enjoy it because I’m not a fan of LA. Listening to the music is much more pleasurable than watching it (after just one viewing) so maybe you should listen to the soundtrack on Spotify to get a feel for the tune first. * shrug*

What I did love was everything in the middle of the movie. I loved “A Lovely Night” and I really loved “Planetarium”. I teared up watching them dance and sway and completely take my breath away. At certain parts of this film,  I was reminded of “Singin’ in the Rain” and how sweeping some of those dances were. La La Land also has sweeping dances and moment were you forget where you are and just experience joy and whimsy.

lalaland-favorite-scene

 

There is an article on Slate that compares “La La Land” to not only “Singin’ in the Rain” but also other movie musicals and I recommend reading it here.

Another highlight of the film is the chemistry between these two. Not because they are Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, but because I felt they fully embodied Sebastian and Mia and who those characters are. Seeing Sebastian (Gosling) be so passionate about jazz and the music he plays is inspiring and attractive. Watching Mia (Stone) love movies and love her craft is encouraging and enchanting. Their individual passions, when brought together, make them a perfect on-screen couple to root for because they root for one another. I loved watching them support each other and become fascinated with the other’s passions as the movie progressed. I loved watching their relationship blossom.

 

la-la-land-concert

 

What I did not expect were the strong emotions this film would evoke within me. Simply put, this film broke my heart. I was sobbing through Mia’s audition when she talked about her aunt living abroad which  leads into the song “Audition”…

You see, throughout the film we watch her audition for various roles and in each she is interrupted and not given the chance to show her full potential as an actor. During this audition, however, she is sought after by the casting director and is given open range to show them who she is and what she’s capable of doing. And this is the first time we see her potential as part of the audience too. It’s heartbreaking listening to her sing ” Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” because there is a stark contrast between what she is singing and how she feels at this point in the film. Before this scene she decided to give up on acting and yet when this opportunity arose, she chose to sing this song about dreaming and how the world needs dreamers. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for Mia to sing the song because the world that she says needs dreamers has turned her away and stomped on her dreams. And yet here she is.

la-la-land-audition-scene

As she was singing, I found myself reflecting on my own perspective of dreamers and that’s where my emotions were exposed and unleashed. I long to be a dreamer and yet I feel tied down by my realistic mentality. In my opinion, it is a luxury to live a life of dreaming and doing exactly what you want; yet I want so badly to be part of the lucky ones who get to do it everyday.

The movie continued to break my heart when we finally reach the “Epilogue”. We see Mia and Sebastian 5 years in the future and we see how those five years treated each of them separately until one night when Mia walks into a bar only to find Sebastian. And this is where I cried for the second time. Seeing what could have been felt like a cruel thing to show the audience who had been on this journey with them. At this point we already knew it wasn’t a fairytale ending…but to show the possible fairytale and then have it taken away almost as quickly as it came was difficult to watch. It felt like a huge tease to the audience. I realize the actual intent was to show the mind of our characters and what they pictured after running into one another after so long. But man did it hurt to watch.

I felt as though they were saying something deeper about dreams vs. love. As if they are saying you can’t have both love and the dream job/role and I didn’t like that. Now after I’ve had time to reflect, I see that it’s a reality shock rather than a tease of what could have been. It is often how things go:You break up. You don’t get the part. You own your own jazz bar.You get the role of a lifetime. You marry someone else. And life goes on.

Ultimately, I enjoyed the film and I am enjoying listening to the music at work. I’m impressed with Gosling’s talent (learning piano for the role) and with the ability of the director, cast, and crew to tell a modern tale in an old format. I’ll definitely be watching this again to see how I feel after another viewing.

Here’s to the hearts that break. Here’s to the mess we make.

xoxo

E

lala_land-audition-lyrics-art

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking a Break

Hello friends. It’s been quite a ride since we last spoke. The holidays hit with a bang and now we’re here in January. It’s 2017! Finally a new year filled with new hopes. I have a lot that I want to accomplish and experience in 2017, but I keep feeling like time is slipping away and nothing is being accomplished. I do struggle with taking action and making decisions in general, but I no longer want that to be the case. For those of you who know me personally, you know I’m basically always on twitter. I used to spend A LOT MORE time than I do now, but I’m still logged in most of my work day. And to be honest, even on Facebook or Instagram I often end up in a pit of comparison thinking, “Why haven’t I found my dream job?” or “Why don’t I go on adventures/trips like this person or that person?”. I wrote about these social media issues in July which you can read here.

Today, however,  I’m here to talk about my decision to take a break from social media! For a month I will not be checking Twitter, Instagram, and I may temporarily disable my Facebook just so those who don’t see this post don’t think I’m ignoring them.


As I was mentally preparing for this I began to get super excited! I started thinking about all the time I’ll have to read the books I’ve been waiting to read, or writing more, or organizing my bedroom, or looking for apartments, or planning our wedding, or so many other things! I think this will be a great experience and I’m hoping to write about it here to share with you all. Granted I won’t be able to share online, so you’ll need to either check back periodically or get my posts sent directly to your email (which you can get in the form on the right side of the page!)

The only social media I will be checking & updating is snapchat: misserikagannon. This new adventure (and challenge) will begin tomorrow, Saturday January 7th! Check back here for updates and I’ll see you back on social media February 7th!

I’d love to hear how your 2017 is going and what you’d like to see happen in this new year in the comments below!

Here’s to a better 2017 for us all 🙂

Elected.

This will most likely be a similar post to others you’ve read by now from those of us shocked at the election results. I don’t have any new insights (I wish I did) and I don’t have any particularly encouraging words of wisdom (I wish I had some of these too). I spent the day after the election in tears. I had to leave work at lunch because I just couldn’t stop crying. I cried as his electoral college numbers rose and as I began to see that she wouldn’t win. I couldn’t believe that he was going to win. I still can’t. And this isn’t about political parties. This is about a man with no experience or diplomacy skills being given the highest office in our nation. A man who talks about women so poorly and offensively that I wouldn’t feel safe being in the same room with him. I’m not sure any of his supporters read this, but if they do, would you honestly want to send your young daughters to meet him? I wouldn’t. I don’t want to be anywhere near him. The president should be someone that you can disagree with but still admire. I continue to hear his supporters say they don’t condone his behavior but they trust him to run the country. That baffles my mind.

really-not-happy-about-this

One of the saddest realizations I’ve had over the course of this week has been the divisions among us. Don’t get me wrong, I know they have always been there, but this election has allowed these thoughts to fester and rise to the surface. Even within myself I’ve felt anger and hurt. I felt let down by those talking the loudest from “the church” or “evangelicals” that I once believed I was a part of. In fact, I am most definitely not…not anymore. I’m wrestling with the reality of my faith and what it looks like to be a follower of Jesus. If you find yourself in similar situations/feelings, I highly recommend this post from one of my favorite authors Rachel Held Evans: http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/life-after-evangelicalism

So what do we do now? Well, I can’t really answer that question. Protest? Write blogs like this one? Call your congressman/woman? Write letters to your government officials? Cry with your friends? Laugh when you can? All of the above? Regardless of what you do, please take care of yourself and your mental health. I couldn’t stay at work last wednesday and that was the best decision I made all week. Go home and sleep. So be sure to take care of yourself because you are important and needed in your community/household/etc.

I often escape into TV or other entertainment and this week it was definitely needed. I’m thankful this week for things/people/shows that helped me grieve and helped me feel less alone. They are listed below. I highly recommend each and every one.

Things Keeping Me Sane:
John Oliver
Stephen Colbert
Samantha Bee
The Weeds – Policy Podcast
Vox.com – Basically every article
Seth Meyers “A Closer Look” segments
The Liturgists Podcast
Ask Science Mike Podcast
My Worship Playlist on Spotify

I had wanted to post my feelings toward Secretary Clinton and how I felt I had let her down…but I’ll save that for another post. I’m sure I’ll be writing more about my womanist feelings and how much stronger I feel owning the “title” Feminist in future blogs! So stayed tuned for that.

I’ll leave you with this: As Rachel wrote in her blog (linked above) Jesus is in the margins. He is on the side of the oppressed and the poor. He defends the voiceless and the powerless. Any side that I find Jesus is a side I want to be on. Jesus…show me where you are and where I can go to find you in the midst of this broken world.

I’d love to hear what is keeping you sane this week in the comments below!

Unrecognizable Faith

There are so many topics, emotions, and opinions running through my mind and it’s hard to formulate them all in a way that makes sense to anyone outside of my brain. As I thought about what may connect these seemingly unconnected feelings, something did emerge: I’m having a hard time associating with the faith that I have held since my freshman year in college.

unrecognizable-faith

I will spare the details of my faith background by saying that I did grow up attending church with my mom but that didn’t lead to a personal understanding of Jesus. It was in a college christian community (which I will talk about later in this post) that I came to personally understand what my faith meant to me and what the character of Jesus was and I fell in love. I felt a sense of peace and joy that I can’t quite say I’ve felt since. I’ll never forget the day it all became real to me; I was singing with the worship music and crying because my body almost couldn’t contain the joy and the immense love I felt rushing through my body. I finally met Jesus and felt just how much He loved me and what I would, from that moment on, claim to be my faith.

Fast forward to today.

I find myself still enamored with Jesus and still wishing I could have been there to see Him myself, to witness His miracles and healing, to see what true love looked like with my own eyes.

Instead, I’m here in 2016 and I’m watching people who claim to believe in that same faith support a man who is the exact opposite of what Jesus asks us to be. Watching the divide between the church and LGBTQ+ community grow wider and wider. Watching that Christian Fellowship (the same group that brought me to Jesus) cause so much pain and division because of their stand on sexuality and the right to marry for my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. I’m watching fear take over the minds and hearts of those who should believe in putting their trust in Jesus and allow Him to speak into that fear and replace it with His protection and His guidance. I’m watching them be afraid of refugees who are human beings trying to flee the fear and danger they faced at home. They are placing their trust in our country, our politicians, our borders…rather than God and His plan for His people.

I’m at a loss. My heart is truly breaking. I don’t recognize the people I should be calling my fellow believers. I don’t recognize my “fellow Americans”. I’m angry and frustrated. I’m mad that there are still people who support men asserting “dominance” over women. I’m mad at how powerless I often feel as a woman and this election has only continued to shine a light on that feeling. I’m sad and I have very little hope in the outcome of this election, regardless of the winner, because of everything that has been stirred up in this campaign. I’m unsure of what my country will look like when it’s all said and done.

I have never felt so hopeless with my country, hopeless in the treatment of my gender, or hopeless of the integrity/humility of my faith.

So, what do we do? I’m giving myself a little while to sulk and look at kittens online. There’s also this AMAZING video that never fails to make me happy:

And then, we fight back. We pray. We find places and people who support us and who we can support. We follow others on social media who lift us up and challenge us to be better. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to attend a conference called The Reformation Project in Long Beach next weekend to be around my fellow believers who want to see the inclusion of LGBTQ+ community in the church. I’m glad for the chance to learn, worship, and be in the midst of people who want the same thing I want from the church, inclusion and affirmation.

I have also sought out solace in other women who are speaking out and fighting for proper treatment of women. Some are also believers like Rachel Held Evans (whom I absolutely, 100% adore and recommend) as well as Jen Hatmaker who is hilarious and refreshingly honest in everything she does…from her sermons to her facebook posts. I’ve added their twitter handles if you’re interested in strong and smart women to add to your timeline. I also added the handle for one of my new favorite voices speaking about women and media, Liz Plank from Vox.com. I would also recommend Samantha Bee, host of Full Frontal, for some powerful and hilarious commentary on the current election.

 

Rachel Held Evans

Jen Hatmaker

https://twitter.com/feministabulous/status/786771374484365312

Liz Plank

Samantha Bee

Michael J. Kimpan’s site is another great resource if you find yourself feeling similarly disheartened. His recent post, Train Wreck, says exactly what I wanted to say in this post except much better.

“To my self-identified, christian, trump-supporting friends & family – a confession: It’s difficult for me to concede that you and I are following the same Jesus I’ve been reading about in the gospels…”

Source: train wreck.

Can’t Stop this 30

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R and I @ my bday party

In August I left my 20s behind and entered what is most definitely the oldest age I have ever been…I’m 30 years old. I’ve never put much thought into getting older or what it “means” but this I found myself feeling different. 30 is a big number and it holds a lot more weight in my mind than previous birthdays. I had a much harder time accepting that I would no longer be in my 20s and would be (in my mind) a full-fledged adult (gasp!)

But thankfully I had my family and friends to help me get over myself and have some fun.As I have done in the past few years, this is my birthday letter…

Here is a letter to myself about what the past year has been and what hopes I have for the year ahead.

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The crew that helped us celebrate our engagement!
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Ingrid & I ❤

Erika, this year has been very full, like most years before it…but also very different. You started your 29th year in a serious relationship and now you begin your 30th year engaged to be married. (what?!)engagement-ring-pic

You went on road trips, flew to Dallas, TX to hang with friends (at a Supernatural Convention) , saw Walk the Moon in concert, and learned more about loving someone and navigating how to love friends and family better. You worked on reconciliation in friendships and put yourself out there to try and repair what had been broken.

Life has taken a few changes recently, the biggest being the move out of Culver City and into the South Bay with R. There were various iterations on the plans for moving (including moving to Fullerton, splitting time between the OC and South Bay, etc.) but now you’re finally settling in with R. I hope you both continue to adapt to one another and give each other grace & patience through the tough moments.

krista-wedding-silly-face

My hope for this next year is that you’ll continue to let go of jealousy and envy and really focus on the life you’ve been given. This is the same desire as last year’s Birthday Letter but I hope you take to heart the values of gratitude, acceptance, and working hard for what you want.

Painting + Wine with mom!

I also hope this year is all about health and happiness. I hope you work hard to build up your strength and re-discover healthy eating and healthy living. This is a lifelong lesson that I hope you put into action this year. Don’t let the voices of laziness in your head keep you from attaining your goals. You know you are capable of achieving success, you just need to push yourself to do it. We both know that you struggle with starting & taking action, but giving up before you’ve even begun is no longer an option. You joined a gym for the first time in YEARS and you’re actually using it! Continue that and delve deeper! It will be a challenge, and you’ll want to give up or doubt that you’re doing a thing…don’t listen! Keep going!

The fam bam ❤

Embrace change and see the beauty in life’s unknowns. Use the picture above (from Ron’s Birthday lunch) to remind you that change produces strength and continues to grow (just like your family). So many people pictured above wouldn’t be in your life if you hadn’t taken a leap of faith and found R. Continue to ask yourself, what more can I discover if I push myself?

To end this letter on a silly note, embrace the awesome hashtag your fiance helped form in all your adventures this year. #CantStopThis30 is more than just a nod to Justin Timberlake’s amazing/awesome/new all-time favorite song…it’s your motto for this year. Don’t let anyone or anything stop you from your success (not even yourself). When you put your mind and body to task, this 30 year old can’t be stopped!

 

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Hi my name is Erika and I struggle with social media envy. It’s hard to start a post with such a personal confession but I think that as more and more social media outlets emerge, this feeling is becoming more common. You check your Facebook timeline and see all of the fun things your friends are doing, see their twitter feeds about how much fun they’re having together, or their snapchat stories about how jam-packed their weekend was… and you begin the comparison game. Why isn’t my life that interesting? Why haven’t I  gotten my dream job? When am I going to find that someone special? While I do struggle with these feelings (often) the questions that typically pop up in my head are: Why does it feel like everyone is hanging out without me? Am I so boring that no one wants me around?

In my best moments I’m able to see a friend hanging out with other friends and be happy. Yay they got to see one another! Yay they got to experience that thing/place together!

But it’s in my low moments that these images tear me apart. I begin thinking about all of the text messages not returned or cancelled hangouts yet to be rescheduled and I wonder why I’m not in those very pictures I see on my timeline.

After watching “The Social Network” and peering into what led Zuckerberg to create Facebook, I have always felt that the site has somehow been ingrained with envy, anger, and ugliness. I know that Hollywood makes the story whatever it wants and it often adds a sprinkle of increased drama to anything listed as “Based on a True Story”. The part of the movie that I’m specifically referring to is Zuckerberg’s fight and revenge against his then girlfriend.

The website ‘Chasing the Frog‘ is devoted to uncovering truth behind those “Based on a True Story” films and this quote is what stands out from not only the movie but also the real life details:

 Did Mark create a website called Facemash.com after a fight with his girlfriend?
Yes, and he blogged about it. “I need to think of something to make to take my mind off her…” Mark came up with the idea of comparing classmates to farm animals and letting people vote on who was more attractive.

This is ugliness and anger. He was upset about a fight with his then girlfriend and wanted to distract himself and this is where his mind took him. Comparing people (I’m assuming mainly women) to each other and occasionally to animals. Why do I bring this up? Well, I find it fascinating that this idea of comparison was part of facebook before Zuckerberg even knew what it would become.

In the last few months, especially since getting engaged, I have struggled and failed to overcome the voices in my head telling me I’m unwanted/boring. I find myself getting jealous over the smallest things, so much so that I can’t enjoy seeing what others are up to. I talked to R about it and shared how hard it was for me to feel so ostracized for being engaged, or fat, or boring, or any of the other millions ways my brain told me I wasn’t invited or called back. So we came up with a game plan: Take regular (and frequent) breaks from checking Facebook. While I haven’t been on this plan very long, I’ve found it extremely gratifying and freeing.

Some of you reading may not struggle the same way I do when checking social media, and if so that’s wonderful. But if you do find yourself getting sucked into these black holes of comparison or self-doubt, my suggestion to you is this: Take a break. Delete the app from your phone for a week. Go outside and get some Vitamin D. It may seem silly, but in the instant mobile notification age that we live …it helps to unplug. Sure I might miss some things… but maybe I need to miss your awesome dinner picture or that amazing hiking adventure you had. Tell me about it when we hang out together instead! I’m in NO way saying I’m not interested in the lives of the people in my life, but rather I’m saying that I’m entirely MORE interested in hearing about it from you rather than only from your posts online. Let’s gather together more! Let’s break bread with one another and really listen and hear how things have been going. I miss the days when I would hang out with friends and just talk to one another. It’s unrealistic to think things can go back to those college-hangout days, but we can still connect off-line. I know we can!

Now R and I are trying to skip facebook on the weekends, if possible, and 2-3 days a week. So far it’s been wonderful. I feel lighter and more aware of what’s happening in my own life rather than following the lives lived on my social media feeds. I feel less self-conscious about what my life is “missing” and more confident in the things that life has already given me.

I hope that if you are reading this and feeling similarly, that you’ll find a way to overcome the voices telling you negative things and know the truth that you are loved and seen. And if you need prayer or just someone to listen who is going through these issues as well, please email me or reach out and let’s get together to talk.

-E

 

Engagement Story

On May 29th, R and I had planned on celebrating our One Year anniversary. One of our favorite places to go and walk around is the lighthouse in Palos Verdes so we planned to go there and have dinner at our favorite Mexican place afterwards.

Little did I know there was an ulterior plan for how the day would go!

Continue reading “Engagement Story”