Everyday Erika

Old Betsy

betsy driving laup

I recently had to give up my beloved ’03 Toyota Corolla because, due to a minor collision, she was deemed a total loss. I never thought I was as attached to that car as I found out I was when I had to give her up. For the past year or so, I’ve fondly referred to her as “Betsy” because she was getting up in her years.

Betsy was my first car. I still remember my dad surprising me with her outside of my high school one afternoon! He handed me the keys and said she was all mine! I couldn’t believe I had a car of my own! From there she would get me safely to my dad’s house every other weekend, to school and home each day, and wherever else I needed to go.

I brought her with me to college and she took me all over fullerton on adventures with my friends. She took a lot of people to San Pedro on our way to Catalina every spring and allowed for late night food runs after our weekly meetings with Intervarsity.

She drove my team and I around LA when I spent the summer interning at the Union Rescue mission. She got us safely around LA and some other sketchy areas with safety and ease. betsy laup

After I graduated college, I brought her with me to live in LA for a 2 year internship in the inner city of South LA. I had a temporary job in Downtown LA and wasn’t using her for fear of parking fees and citations, but my roommate at the time took care of her instead. She needed a car for her job and my Betsy was not going to be used so I shared Betsy with her.

betsy driving SF trip

When I decided to remain in LA after the internship, Betsy helped me move into 3 different apartments in the LA and Culver city area. She carried WAY more than you would think she could and was always ready for the challenge of packing in one more box!

For my 28th birthday, some of my friends surprised me by decorating her with some of my favorite actors and singers to show me they loved me! It was so cool to walk up to my car and have NO idea who went to such lengths to surprise me and make me feel special.

BETSY Dftba deco

At the end of the day, she was just a car. But she was a safe and reliable car that got me everywhere I needed to be. So thanks Betsy. You were a good ol’ broad and you were everything I needed in a car. Thanks for the years of no car payments you allowed me to have and for all the miles we drove together.

After this weekend, I have a new baby. Not sure about the name just yet (it did take 10+ years for Betsy to get her name after all) but I do have to admit I’ve grown fond of her already.

Roxy Tucson

I truly can’t believe that I have this car. I’ve wanted this type of car (more specifically the CRV) for a long time..so I was happy to see that it drove so well and I did fall in love pretty quickly. It’s a new Hyundai Tucson.

I’ve gotta say, it is nice driving around a new car…but it’s also terrifying. I feel so nervous that everyone is trying to hit me. I’m one of those annoying drivers who take forever to change lanes too. I’m hoping that will change as I get to know this car better and get comfortable on the road again.

She’s no Betsy, but she’s adorable and drives so smooth. Here’s to car payments (boo!) and finally having bluetooth and no cassette tape in my car. It’s a whole new world!

1 Year

It was a Friday after work. We decided to meet at Kenneth Hahn Park in Culver City for our first date. I remember feeling nervous like with any date, but not expectant because my previous dates hadn’t been great and I figured this would be similar.

We hugged when we first met eye-to-eye and then began our walk. We had texted the week or so before and shared stories about weight loss, wanting to be active and continue to be healthy, so walking around a park was the perfect first date.

I decided to take some risks and share things that were very personal to me. I used to tell myself that it was because I had no expectation that this would continue (since none of my other dates had) but I think deep down I wanted to be as authentic as possible. I wouldn’t want him to like me because of who I came across to be but rather who I am. I’m weird and awkward. I like cats, boy bands and pop music, and I had never held hands with a boy, let alone kissed one, before meeting this guy! So I shared that with him, all of it. The cats, the boy bands, the never been kissed…and when the park closed at sunset, he still asked me to continue the date.

We then went to Santa Monica and walked 3rd Street promenade and listened to a street performer sing “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran. We sat on a bench to rest and continued to share about our lives, families, thoughts on the world, etc.

We then walked to the Pier and found an open bench where the waves were breaking and crashing beneath us. We sat, listened, and enjoyed the romantic atmosphere. It was all a bit surreal with the sounds and lights of the Pier surrounding us. And just when I least expected, he leaned in and kissed me. My very first kiss.

That was exactly 1 year ago today. We have had some major highs and some pretty low lows. But we have always remained strong. He supports me when I need him most and allows me to be myself even when I’m at my worst. He makes me a better person and I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have him by my side.

Ron, I love you with my whole heart. You make me feel known and loved. You are a smart man who knows how to cook a mean steak and the most delicious veggies I’ve ever had. You have such a soft and generous heart. You love my family as your own and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. You’re simply wonderful and I love you, always.

New Blog! Again!

Yes, I have moved from blogger to wordpress! like so many other bloggers before me, I have migrated and in the process updated my name and URL! This new URL feels better suited to describe what I want this blog to be about: Discovering new things about myself, my life, my goals, as well as discovering new things about the world around me.

At the top of the page, you’ll see I have a few new options including TV reviews and obsessions. I wanted to create a sense of the type of posts you’ll get from my main page but didn’t want to stop writing about the pop culture that I love. Thankfully wordpress has made it very easy to navigate and learn how to make this blog exactly what I want it to be so I’ve created those pages so it’s easily accessible to find what it is you want to read.

I’m still working out a few kinks here and there, and working on some pieces that I’ll be sharing here very soon. Thanks for continuing to read what I write. For everyone who supports and encourages me, I can’t thank you enough!

IF: Gathering 2016

I was able to attend my second IF:Gathering Women’s conference which was livestreamed to my church Newsong LA. It’s just as powerful as being in the actual room (which is in Austin, TX) without any travel/hotel costs! Last year I remember thinking how bizarre this livestream concept was, but this year I found myself excited for what God would have for us.

This year’s “theme” was about Jesus’ life and reaching the lost among us. A lot of the speakers asked how we can reach those around us or those who don’t already know Jesus. This is where I confess that I’m not the biggest fan of evangelism. I know in my heart that I should always want to share Jesus’ love and want others to know His goodness but I struggle with desiring that; not out of a selfish desire to keep Him to myself but rather because I’m not always comfortable with the entire experience. It’s something I know I need to work on and seek God to change my heart…we’re working on it.

All of that is to say that I wasn’t as engaged with the speakers as I was last year. Another difference was the inclusion of men into the conference. This year we had two men give sermons and we had an “awards show” for IF: Men who supported their wives, sisters, etc. in attending and planning the conference. I’m all for thanking those who support women, but I have to say that I wasn’t a fan of this segment. What I loved about last year was seeing powerful and courageous women give powerful sermons and exhortations to women. It all felt so empowering last year whereas this year felt like any other conference I’ve attended rather than a women’s conference for women. This might paint an incorrect picture of my thoughts on men but that’s not my intention. I love strong male leaders and the guidance they can provide, but it wasn’t what I expected. Thankfully, they did have great women speak to us this year and I wanted to highlight a few that stood out to me:

One of my favorite speakers from both years is Bianca Olthoff and this year she did not disappoint. She spoke on John 11 and the death of Lazarus. She pointed out where the text says “Lord, your dear friend is sick” to highlight that this was personal to Jesus and Lazarus was someone close to his heart while He was here on earth and yet Jesus waited 2 days before heading towards Lazarus. Which doesn’t make sense to us…why wait? One of my favorite quotes from her is this, “Faith is equally as miraculous as Lazarus coming back to life“. She ended by telling us to ask ourselves if we can stare at something wrapped in death/dying and still look at Jesus and say that we believe He is good. Do you believe this if He heals/changes the situation? Do you believe this is He doesn’t?
This was such a good time in the Word and looking at Jesus not as a solution to my problems or things I want fixed in my life…but as someone to spend life with through the good and bad. I want to remember her words and this passage when life gets hard and things don’t go as planned and still be able to say I love Jesus for who He is and not what I want Him to accomplish for me.

While I didn’t enjoy all the changes in programming, I still really LOVE this conference and what it’s aiming to accomplish in the lives of women around the globe. To get a glimpse of what last year was like, here’s a “promo” clip from previous years.

Powerful right?!

One aspect of the conference that I do want to talk about is a table conversation they had discussing “Seasons of Life” which is basically a nice way of saying “Single. Married. Kids. No kids”. This fascinates me and I think women need to have more of these conversations so that friendships can withstand the changes that life brings to each us of at different times. Single women need support and love in different ways than someone in a relationship…married women without kids need support and love in different ways than those with kids. In my opinion, the most beautiful truth is that we can all (at some point) provide that support to each other regardless of the seasons we find ourselves in currently. It wasn’t deeply religious in context but it was a very important conversation to begin on the stage and one that I hope to continue with my friends in the various stages we are in now.

Here is a link to the founder of IF (Jennie Allen) and her closing remarks, which include some pictures and ending thoughts now that the 2016 conference has ended: http://www.jennieallen.com/what-if-we-lived-like-jesus-free-download/

Next year I’d like to maybe host a gathering or get some more of my girlfriends involved so we can all experience IF together! I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted 🙂 The dates for 2017 are February 3rd & 4th so keep that open if you’re interested!

xoxo
E

Thank you Kaiser

This week marks the end of my Kaiser Depression Care Management. While I am still seeing my MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) I have been discharged by my depression manager because I have shown significant decrease in my depression symptoms.

You see, each time I saw her we went over 10+ questions to help determine the severity of my depression. These are some of the hardest questions to answer when you’re in the thick of it, because it forces you to say outloud what you might want to keep in your head. Questions like: In the past 2 weeks, have you struggled to find 1 thing that you enjoy doing? And the responses vary from “Not at All” (Meaning you’ve found pleasure in something each day) all the way to “Most Days” (Meaning you could not enjoy even 1 thing for the majority of the past 2 weeks).

When I first began, my answers varied from several days to most days struggling to enjoy activities, feeling isolated/forgotten. I was tired most of the time, was overeating (which is one of the questions they ask), feeling unworthy and forgotten by most people in my life. The biggest hurdle was struggling to make decisions. ANY decision felt extremely overwhelming. Even deciding what to have for dinner would bring me to tears (on my worst days) because I just couldn’t choose.

The service that Kaiser provided was almost like a Depression Coach. I would meet with her every 2 weeks and we would talk about things I enjoyed doing. I shared how I loved Zumba when I was doing it but felt that I couldn’t physically handle that anymore. She would then provide me with other options, like going for a walk, just to get some physical activity and start there. That’s all. She didn’t suggest trying Zumba again (until we were months into the process) which was a relief. The entire process was about taking steps, no matter how big or small, to start enjoying life again.

Her motto was “Getting ready… to be ready… to step back into life” and I absolutely loved it. It was an accessible way for someone who couldn’t even decide what to eat to commit to walk for 2 days a week. Then 3 days. The biggest goal was getting good sleep. I was sleeping from 6pm-9pm and then up until 1am. Some days I would go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 3am and not be able to go back to sleep until 6am. IT. WAS. MISERABLE. I know sleep is important, but through Kaiser I also learned that it’s a key element to my depression and something I must always keep monitored. Bad sleep = slipping into depression (for me personally).

Without going into each and every detail of my recovery, I just wanted to give Kaiser a shout-out for their help and support with my depression. I’ve learned how to better care for myself both in happy times and in sad times so that I don’t slip back down into the depths of depression like I did before. I’m not sure where I would be without my Depression Care Manager (who I will miss talking with. She was AWESOME).

If you have Kaiser and find yourself looking for help, I HIGHLY recommend this service. It’s at no additional cost and it quite literally saved my life. Feel free to message me or email me if you have questions. I’d be so happy to help in whatever ways I can as someone who had such a positive experience with this member benefit.

Here’s to mental health and giving yourself a fighting chance to overcome the darkness life can bring.

New in 2016

Happy New Year 2016!

I hope that you got to celebrate and bring in the new year yesterday with joy and hope for what 2016 has in store! For this post, I wanted to share what I’m looking forward to and what I’m hoping to focus on in the new year. The biggest focus will be on family. This means all the types of family that exist in my life: My immediate family. My small group. My boyfriend. My church…the list goes on.

The past month or so has really opened my eyes to how important family is to enjoy a rich life filled with love. I’ve seen some real ugliness in families and how hurtful those relationships can be to a person, but I have also seen family step up and support someone who is hurting and feeling alone. I want to continue to see the beautiful things family can add to my life and focus on those positives rather than dwell on past hurts.

I want to continue to share life with my small group and my church. I’ve been pretty absent in my church the last half of 2015 and I’ve really missed those Sunday mornings spending time with God, singing, praying, and being with my church family. Thankfully I have been able to regularly attend my small group and that has been so wonderful. I led my first study this Fall and for the first time, enjoyed the process of preparing the study and digging deep in the text. I’m looking forward to leading again this Spring.

I have enjoyed 7 months with my boyfriend and I’m so excited for what this new year has in store for us. He continues to challenge me to be better and stronger and I hope to continue to do the same for him. We aim to build one another up and support one another when things get hard. We have both learned a lot through the hardships the past month has brought and I’m so thankful that it’s only brought us closer. I’ve seen him at his lowest and he’s seen me at mine, and we’ve both been able to navigate the unknown with love and patience with one another. 2016 could be a really big year for us and I’m excited to see what God has in store!

And lastly, my immediate family. I can’t say enough good things about them. They bring so much joy, laughter, and love to my life. While my family is changing, we remain close and I only hope that continues in 2016. I’ve gotten the chance to see my family in a different way this past year and how they love me so unconditionally even when I mess up. Their love is what helps me understand God’s love for us and how it’s never ending. I hope to continue to love them well and grow closer as a family. They got me through my deepest depression 2 years ago…without them I don’t know where I would be. I’m looking forward to supporting them and what new adventures we go on as a family in the new year!

I wanted to end by saying this: Be good to those you call family. I know we all have our own baggage either with our blood family or the family we’ve been able to create through friendships, etc. But in a world so broken and hurting, I hope that each of you reading this can hold tight to those you love and cherish the time you have together. Don’t let ugliness tear you apart. Life is much too short and entirely too precious to waste on hate & bitterness. Here’s to healthy families in 2016 and a year filled with love and healing for us all.

Cheers.

Fear & Response

There have been a few events in the past two years that I have felt genuine fear over. First was Ebola and [what I thought at the time was a] threat of widespread outbreak. I read every article I could get my hands on, began following the CDC for updates, and learned as much as I could about the spread and contamination of the disease because I was genuinely afraid. I felt the only way to calm my fear was to get the facts and not just be scared with no education on the subject. Add to this the fact that I see WAY too many “end-of-the-world” movies and you can see why fear took over all my responses. Thankfully I did educate myself and learned what the reality of Ebola looked like for me (an American with a strong healthcare system) versus the African countries that still struggle with Ebola cases and education on how it spreads. In those months that I was so afraid, I learned how fear can truly overwhelm and influence my response to the world around me.

Recently I have found myself fearful again, but in a different way than before. I’m not afraid for my life, but the general threat of terrorism around the world. I actually saw a post on Facebook that said to instead call the group known mainly as ISIS, Daesh because ISIS implies a nation and they have no national identity. [That is how I will refer to the group going forward]. Hearing my pastor talk about persecution in the church is one thing, especially when it took place in the beginning of the church. It’s entirely different when it’s happening now as I live and write these words. Christians are being killed today in numbers that we haven’t seen since the formation of the church. Muslims are being killed too. All innocent lives taken simply because they refuse to follow the extreme theology of hate that the Daesh spews.

And I find myself weeping for those who have died, in a way that I have not experienced within my soul until now. I cannot help but see the similarities in today’s persecution compared to those of Stephen and other martyrs that followed. Killed because they claimed Christ as their Lord and Savior. And because of the similarities, I fear for the world that continues to reject Jesus and others who pretend to teach the Gospel but instead spread intolerance, hate and hardened hearts filled with judgement. Last I checked, these were not included in the teachings of Jesus. In fact, the Jesus I read about in the Bible is the exact opposite in how he treats people.

I was inspired to write this post after reading an article in Relevant Magazine titled “What Can Be Done About ISIS?” (link in the title). I do not want to be compliant in the face of such hatred. I have found myself praying more, and actually desiring to pray for the victims, the refugees... and surprisingly the terrorists. This article interestingly reminds us that Paul [Saul at the time] was in fact a terrorist against Christians when he met God on the road (to Syria no less) and instead became a preacher of God’s word. It’s extremely difficult for me to grasp what my prayers would look like if I were to pray for the terrorists and for their hearts to be turned towards Jesus but I get chills just thinking about it. How amazing would it be to hear that they put down their weapons and plots for murder and instead followed Jesus and gave to the poor and loved people as God’s children?? God has done it before, God can do it again. Lord help my unbelief!

One of the headlines in the article reads, “Reject Fear and Raise Our Voices” and that’s what I’m trying to begin here. I want to encourage us to pray, to hope for change and work together to unite the world against this group that only wishes for us to divide. We can fight fear with prayer; hate with love.

In another post from Relevant Magazine I saw the clip (below) of Stephen Colbert discussing the refugees acceptance into our country. I didn’t always enjoy the Colbert Report but this is a Stephen that I can get behind. His words here are powerful and I wanted to share them with you now. Some had mentioned the idea of giving those seeking safety a “Christian Test” to see if they are Christian or not. I find that my response is the same as Stephen’s: If they can finish the sentence (directly from Scripture) then that might be the better “test” of who is or who isn’t a Christian:

Our response to welcoming people to our country is yet another way of reacting in fear rather than love. I understand this is a complicated matter and I do not mean to make it sound in anyway, easy. I would like the people in the public eye who proclaim Christianity as their belief to actually live as a follower of Christ and stop embarrassing the rest of us. I won’t list each and every verse here, but this article from Relevant gives great scripture resources as well as discusses our response to foreigners and how the Bible teaches us to treat those among us: What the Bible Says about How to Treat Refugees.

Love will always be louder.

[Update: Since I first wrote this, the shooting in San Bernardino has occurred.] I don’t have any additional comments to add to that particular discussion, but I didn’t want to post this in light of those events and the information coming out of that investigation, without at least mentioning it and asking for things to change. This continues to show that our world is broken and we need Jesus to heal and protect and bring justice. We also need those who claim to follow Jesus to open their hearts and not respond in fear. It’s a very hard thing to do, but it must be done.

Dear Fat People

I am the type of person who goes through waves of watching YouTube videos excessively and then not at all. I have recently found myself looking for more creators to follow as I have more “free” time at work (Shhh, our little secret). Recently I’ve found myself bored with my subscriptions and looking for new channels. While searching, I stumbled on a controversial video with a ton of response videos from some of my favorite YouTubers. Since I’d rather not give this video more views, I will only say what it was about: Being overweight.

Fat. Chubby. Heavy. Large. Plus-Size.

As a larger person, I’ve struggled with these labels and experienced the anxiety/fear of being picked on for most of my life. I did avoid a lot of unwanted attention from any potential bullies simply by blending in and erasing myself from anyone’s radar. I do not, however, suggest this for anyone because not only do you erase yourself from the bully’s mind but you also lose your own identity and uniqueness in the process.

So, as someone who struggles with weight and the insecurities/fears/doubts that come with it, this particular video was very painful to watch. The creator made jokes about fat people and claimed that she was using it to “motivate” fat people to get off their ass and lose weight. My heart broke. Instead of feeling encouraged or motivated I felt shitty, self-loathing, and angry. Thankfully I’m much stronger now than I was in high school (which is the age of a lot of YouTube viewers these days) because seeing a video like that would have wrecked me. The creator claimed it was a joke and meant to be sarcastic/funny but later defended it saying it was actually to help overweight people be healthier. *side eye* I don’t see a single place in the entire video that could be motivating. Shame on her for even trying to say it was meant positively at all.

I wish I could be as strong and confident as the creator in the video below (Meghan Tonjes) in her response video. I’m not making a video to respond, but I do still want to take a stand and say this to that horrible YouTube creator: I may be a larger woman, but I am still a person. I matter regardless of my size. Your video was offensive and rude. I know you have defended it saying it was all for fun as well as motivating, but let me tell you this: IT WASN’T FUNNY. And the only thing it motivated me to do was write this blog, never watch another video you make, and instead support actual creators worth being on YouTube.

The creators below are some of my favorite voices on YouTube in terms of opinions, humor, and overall entertainment value of the content they regularly produce. Meghan is the first video and she has basically the same reaction that I had when she watched it. I cried with her and got frustrated with her…I wish we had more female voices out there to represent the large ladies and show the world what we can do. Watch below (note: R rated language is in both of the videos):

There are a bunch of other reaction videos out there, but this is by far one of my favorites. It’s from Nicola Foti and his videos (found on SoundlyAwake) are some of the most hilarious and entertaining in my YouTube watchlist; this one is on point and needs to be shared in response to the video in addition to a bunch of other hateful videos out there:

Be kind to people and know everyone is a complex human being and living their own story.

I am a complex human being who is also heavy…but I am valuable and deserve to be treated as a person and not a joke. If you are reading this and you are struggling with your own self-worth, know this: You are Loved by God and you are a valuable person in society no matter what you look like. You are important and don’t let anyone make you believe you are anything less than amazing.

New web address

Hello!

I wanted to post a quick update that I got “serious” and bought a domain name! The blog will be the same as it’s still hosted by blogspot, but now all you need to know is: http://www.iamerikanicole.com !!

It seems as though time is speeding up and I’m just trying to catch up. As an extremely brief update I’ll post the things I’ve been enjoying lately:

Good Therapy Sessions – I’ve been consistently seeing my therapist for 8 months now and although we have switched from focusing on careers and moved into more personal healing/therapy, it’s been a wonderful experience. The best way to describe it would be a beautiful disaster. Some weeks I walk away with a better understanding of myself and how to improve…and others I’m just in tears. It’s painful but in the best possible way.

Singing in my car – I recently got rid of my metro pass and began driving into work each day. It felt like such a “grown up” thing to do since I’ve been taking public transit to work since the day I began. I am enjoying driving though. It gives me time to sing as loudly as I want and I really miss singing.

Taking Pictures – I’d love to buy a nice camera and tripod to take more pictures of the people and places that I love. A friend of mine brings a tripod and has a nice camera and he has such cute/beautiful pictures of him and his wife even when they’re on a date (thanks to the tripod). I’ve always enjoyed photos but I’d love to learn more about photography and actually capture more of life in pictures.

It’s a small update but I’m working on a few others to be posted in the next few weeks!

Birthday Letter at 29

Here is a letter to myself about what the past year has been and what hopes I have for the year ahead. Sprinkled throughout this post are various pictures taken throughout the year.

Today you turn 29 years old. Can you believe it? When did THAT happen?

Last year you definitely took more risks which is amazing because you wrote about that in last year’s birthday letter and you DID it! Some of them didn’t pan out and some did, but isn’t that the point of taking risks? Like you said before, no matter what the outcome, the experience alone will be worth it (and it was!). God has also given you a community of people who love and challenge you to seek God and His Kingdom in your small group bible study. Another hope from last year that God so gracefully brought to life.

So looking ahead, I hope you are able to continue your process of healing and restoration through counseling and continue to take risks. Remember that relationships are difficult but the good ones are worth fighting for. Listen openly and share honestly with your loved ones and those near to your heart.

I hope that you pursue writing more seriously this year. Whether that means here on your blog or other places, just write more. You have an idea for a concept and I hope that you use this year to flesh it out and see if it can grow into something more. (hint: It has to do with being single vs. in a relationship and bringing those worlds together in harmony).

I hope you allow yourself to open up and receive love without doubt or insecurity. Believe the words of the people in your inner circle because they care about you and want the best for your life. Don’t let any lies take that love away from you. Right now you’re in a relationship that is just beginning to blossom and grow. Nurture it and bring your community into the entire process. You never thought you’d be asking the questions you are or experiencing the love you have, but here you are. Enjoy the good times and learn from the trials. He is a blessing to your life and challenges you in new and fantastic ways. Make sure you help him to feel loved and work to make him stronger just as he does for you as well.

Enjoy the things in life that you have and stop comparing yourself to others. They might have something you want, but you have been blessed and can to be grateful for the gifts you do receive. Work to bring down the jealous voices in your head because they do nothing helpful for anyone. Instead, practice thankfulness and grace towards yourself and those around you. Be a light of positivity rather than a shadow of envy.

And lastly, I hope this year you are better able to find your voice. Find what you’re passionate about, what turns you on; what you want to be about and pursue it wholeheartedly. My hope for this next year is for honesty and passion to fill every aspect of your life. Don’t fear your voice and the power you have in your words, thoughts & feelings. They have more value that you give them credit for. Explore new and healthy ways to express them and bring out the inner strength of your friends & family too!

Remember to take time to appreciate life’s little pleasures. And for God’s sake, live a little!!
This is your last year in the 20’s so you better enjoy the hell out of it!