I sit down and load up the computer. I have a thought, an idea, and concept for what I want to write. I log into my account and click on the “Write” button. I see the page load up to reveal a blank canvas. My mind empties. I lose all thoughts, ideas, and concepts that I had just moments earlier. I sit with the screen open for a while until I lose patience with the process and resign that today is not the day I can put words to paper.

I want to share my thoughts on fatphobia and the daily experience of a fat woman who is also part of a fat couple. I want to share my experiences with my new therapist and the wonderful breakthroughs I’ve experienced in feeling known by someone I’ve only spoken with 10 times. I want to share my experience feeling a real desire to have children for the first time in my life. I want to process thoughts on marriage and the dark moments that no one really knows about. I want to talk about the shows I’m watching and the music I’m loving.

Yet here I am. Sitting at my computer. Only able to write sentences or headings of the thoughts I have swirling in my brain.

Someday I’ll be able to post coherent thoughts and actual posts, but until then…