Let’s be honest…

I recommend you listen to the song as you read the lyrics…
Gungor “Please Be My Strength” (music video linked to title)

I’ve tried to stand my ground
I’ve tried to understand
But I can’t seem to find my way again.
Like water on the sand
Or grasping at the wind
I keep falling short

Please be my strength
Please be my strength
I don’t have anymore.

I’m looking for a place
Where I can plant my Faith
One thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It’s your love that’s keeping me
[chorus repeated]

And at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I’ve fought the good fight of faith
I pray your glory shines
Through this doubting heart of mine
And all would know that You
You are my strength
You and you alone, Keep bringing me back home 

I found this song during a prayer time about a month ago. I had set aside one evening to be alone in my (then) room to pray. I basically spent the entire evening weeping and praying very angry prayers towards God. Eventually, I went on YouTube (of all places) for new worship songs and I found this song. It is such a beautiful, honest, and difficult song for me to listen to because it perfectly describes my attitude towards God. I want to have faith and believe all the things I once did. Yet I find myself doubting and wanting to walk away. I’ve been tempted to throw in the towel and  ignore God, simply because it’s too painful to think about just how let down I am with Him. I’ve been taught well though…because my knee jerk response  to myself is “God cannot be ignored” or “God hasn’t left you” etc.etc. But the truth is, I’m tired and extremely heart-broken. I’ve been let down more than victorious. I don’t have any strength. I’m angry and very bitter…

There are a lot of attributing factors to the state that I’m in. The past 3 years haven’t been the best in my life and I’ve struggled to see goodness in the midst of them. Suffering. Unexplained emergencies. Disappointments. Lack of community. Isolation. All led me down this path to not trusting God and feeling abandoned by most things/people/events in my life, mainly God.

Now I’m trying to walk down the path of healing and recovery because I know, somewhere inside myself, that God is good and loves me…But right now, I honestly don’t believe that to be true in my heart of hearts. I’ve been operating under the notion that God does indeed exist, but I’m not sure if He is as good as I once felt. I’ve struggled to pray and have hope that God will bring good things in my life. This may be a surprise to those reading this, mainly because it’s not something I’ve been ready to openly deal with or write about. Trust me, I’ve begun and deleted A LOT of posts about this. Most, however, didn’t feel right to share or didn’t feel “complete enough” to post. But here I am…

I appreciate your prayers, especially since I haven’t prayed in a long time. While I won’t be writing everything on such a public stage as this, I will update you as I continue to walk, learn, and explore what I believe in and what to put my faith into.

New & Exciting Can = Scary & Intimidating

There is something that I’ve noticed when looking back on my life. I have lived most days in fear.

Fear of what people will think, say, believe, not believe, judge or hold against me. I was never bullied in school for being a “bigger” kid or for liking music because I made myself as invisible as possible to avoid it all. My goal was to simply fit in and don’t allow anyone to see something in me that could be mocked. I never tried new things or took any risks because I was too afraid of failure. I was too afraid of being mocked and I didn’t allow me to be me.

Well…I will no longer live in fear.

I have always enjoyed performing, singing, dancing, creating. I haven’t always been outspoken about these loves in my life because I doubted my ability to actually do/be them. I doubted the support I would receive. I was afraid. If there’s anything that I’ve come to discover over the past 6-9 months it’s that I care entirely too much what other’s think. I hate to admit it, but I am such a people-pleaser that I can push aside my own dreams in order to “please” the people I care about. This isn’t always bad, but its certainly not good either. This is my life, right? This life is short and I don’t want to look back and think about the things I wish I had done. I want to experience life to the fullest right now, not when it’s too late!

So I’m taking charge and pushing past the temptation to please others.
I’m going to try.

(Side Note: This is a pretty cool article about these EXACT feelings: The Top 5 Deathbed Regrets)

All of this is easier said than done and I’m well aware of this struggle. Its still hard for me to think about what I want or to dream for myself. Hence the title of this post. It’s exciting to start thinking about my dreams for my life, but it’s also scary. What if it doesn’t happen? What if I’m not good at it? Is this what I really want? Maybe I should just stay here where it’s comfortable….

I will no longer live in fear.

Must put aside doubts 

Push forward towards the life I desire

Break through complacency and into adventure 

I cannot let me hold me down. I will not let me hold me back. 



This past week, I went on my very first audition! I was extremely nervous and repeatedly thought I should quit and avoid the audition. But I knew doing that would erase all the work I’ve put into not allowing fear of failure dictate my life. So I auditioned…
..and I was rejected.

Success! No, I didn’t get the part, heck…I didn’t even get a call back. But it wasn’t because I stopped myself from trying. And now I have the opportunity to work with the production team and maybe even take some classes/workshops to see if I can hone in a craft with acting techniques! I wouldn’t have been offered that without putting myself out there and trying!

So where do I go from here? What’s next? How will I continue to try in other things?

  • Continue with voice lessons
  • Peer mentoring sessions 
  • Working on some short films
  • Begin my own video projects (music video concepts)
  • Allow myself to dream and not in fear
There are other things going on for me spiritually, but I think that’s for another post. To anyone who reads this, thank you for being interested in my life and walking with me in this journey. The path hasn’t always been straight or easy, but I’m thankful for the continued love and support. 
Cheers! 

OK, let me explain…

So I know that most of you have seen my Facebook page recently and have seen my new favorite actor/singer all over the place. I also know that some have commented on my “obsession” with said person. So I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about this in more detail here, on my blog. You’ve been warned…

Yes, I do happen to like this person A LOT! He is a semi-celebrity (growing in popularity as we speak) that I  have become a HUGE fan of both artistically and for the message that he puts out for his fans. Acceptance. 
The quote above is from this celebrity and I think it really captures part of the reason I have become such a huge fan. I know there have been people who have said similar statements about loving yourself or being who you are blah blah. The difference is that this person actually lives it out! He’s goofy, forgets his own lyrics all the time, wears nail polish to formal events, and he is completely ok with that. It’s refreshing to see someone in the public eye not take himself too seriously and yet still produce quality work! I’m so grateful that kids (and myself) have someone like him in the public eye to be that voice of self-acceptance and confidence. He also talks about just living life and enjoying the experiences we have been blessed to have. We all could use this attitude when we think our lives aren’t what we had expected. He is all about getting out there are just “doing it” and trying rather than sitting around waiting for something great to happen! 

From reading various blogs and other sites, I’ve also been able to read fan stories of meeting him and how genuinely nice he is to all who come out to see him. As someone who experienced the ‘Nsync fandom on a large scale, it’s nice to see someone (who isn’t as big as ‘Nsync, but still…) really care about his fans and making everyone feel important even though we are all strangers to him. Who does that?!
Lastly, he is a part of an amazing group of friends/actors/writers called Starkid Productions (started out in college) which created “A Very Potter Musical” on YouTube. Not only did he write most of the music, but he also plays Harry freaking Potter! This group is a hilarious bunch of uber talented musicians and actors with so much creativity and energy! I love each of these actors and support them equally because of the quality of material they produce (and he just happens to be a co-creator/music director). You can find them on YouTube here: Starkid Productions
All that to say, yes I may be slightly obsessed with this celebrity. I own that. But you see, it’s not just because he is on glee or because he is very handsome. It’s more than any of that because he (along with Team Starkid) inspires me to be more creative, accept myself for who I am, and really enjoy life for what it has to offer 🙂 And yea, I met him. haha. Which was totally awesome. I hope that one day I can work with such talented and genuinely fun people as the Starkids and this celebrity guy because I can only imagine the hilarity that would ensue. 
Thanks for reading and loving me even when I’m obsessed with something as awesome as this guy 🙂 
Blessings! 

The Fearful Onion & Arthur

I guess I’m in a vulnerable state these days. When I originally began writing this I had just seen the movie “Arthur” and I cried through half of the movie. Isn’t it a comedy, you ask? And my response would have to be yes…but it spoke into some pretty sensitive issues and struck a nerve somewhere within my heart. I loved it.

Brief summary of the movie: Rich man must marry stranger in order to keep his riches. He meets and falls for another girl who is simple and therefore must decide between true happiness or his wealth. I’ll let you finish the rest.

What spoke to me was his relationship with his “nanny” and just how much he wanted real love in his life. He struggles to choose because deep down he knows that he won’t be happy unless he marries the person he truly loves. Honestly, I think I’m drawing more from this film than the filmmakers would have intended, but I do think God used this film to speak to me. I had originally set that afternoon for prayer and reflection, but instead I literally slept for 3 hours and then went on to my evening’s plans. It’s so late, but God still wanted to bring up these issues within my heart, so I’ll hope that my super power nap this afternoon will help support sleep once I finally lay down.

How does all of this connect with anything, you ask? Well, I deeply desire real love in my life too. I desire to be known and loved for all the good and bad that exist within me. This has been a deep desire in my heart for many years and yet the ironic or saddest part of this is that over the past couple of years, I have been closing off to others and moving further away from this desire. I was unaware of this happening in my heart until it was recently brought to my attention… and I’m still recovering from the realization this is actually a struggle for me. After I spoke with my pastor and prayed some about issues I had with my church and my cell group (bible study) I realized how fearful I am to share things about my life with others. If I did have something to share, instead of vocalizing them, I would think “This isn’t important enough to share” or “This will be too overwhelming and they won’t want me to share again, so I shouldn’t tell them about this/that/anything”.  These are the lies the enemy has planted so deeply in my mind that I hear them as sane thoughts and believe them to be true. This is how the enemy has silenced me for 3 years. This is how I’ve lost a lot of what I learned back in college (having friends, confidence, boldness, faith).

Each time I stopped myself from sharing, another brick was added to the growing wall that I have been building around myself. I truly believe this wall has been built, brick by brick, for the past 3 years and is a major reason I often feel unknown and invisible. This is one of the deepest and best hidden layers of my fearful onion…(my fear that I don’t matter and no one really cares) I find myself alone surrounded by a massive wall and I wonder why no one is with me. Even though it scares me half to death, I must tear down this wall and open myself up once more to those around me. I cannot let the lies of the enemy control me because it’s gone on too long. Part of this process is also re-discovering who I am and what I want for my life. Which leads me to explain why I’ve been taking weird classes or doing things you might not expect me to take. I figure there’s no time like the present and I need to put myself out there (even if I look like a fool). So I’m taking classes to see what I’m good at, what gives me energy and creatively sustains me. I’m open to trying pretty much anything and really experience life, rather than hiding in fear!

This is going to be a long and challenging process. As I read over this post, I wonder why I feel comfortable sharing such an intimate and private struggle with such a public blog…but if I don’t share here, I might not share at all. This is something that is fundamental in my relationship with Jesus and I need some accountability from anyone willing to push me towards healing (even if I push back at first..don’t give up on me)…because otherwise I would disappear behind my securely built wall, and I don’t think that’s what Jesus has in mind for me. Thanks for letting me be honest and somewhat rambling…it’s all a process.

Blessings ❤

It’s been an odd mixture of light and dark in my life for the past few months. I haven’t written because I don’t really know where to begin or how to even end. I literally have 4-5 drafts written for the different things that I’ve wanted to share, but haven’t felt like they were really complete thoughts…so drafts they will remain for now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately. Not always in the selfish way but not always in the unselfish way either. Here is a brief recap/highlights of my life over the course of the past few months (roughly chronological):

  • I had pretty much mentally decided to no longer attend my current church
  • I went on a month-long church rotation to find a different church
  • I met great people and saw amazing churches in the greater LA area that got me excited about my future and where God may have me go
  • I decided to take voice lessons regularly
  • I joined an acting class in Westwood on Sunday mornings (for a month)
  • I decided that I needed to at least “try” new things and see if I discover talents I never knew I had
  • I ended my church rotation 
    • Caused by a stern yet gentle correction from my pastor about my expectations and poor communication; basically I didn’t give people a chance
    • Through this conversation, many deep rooted sins were discovered
    • Basically, I’m an onion. A fearful, layered onion. (More in my next post about this)
  • I’ve been trying to allow me to just be me and it’s been wonderful/difficult.
    • I’ve believed so many lies about myself that it’s hard to distinguish truth and lies in my own head. 
  • I’ve been able to see how I interact with Jesus and the true nature of our relationship, which isn’t perfect.  
  • I’m discovering that I like who I am, and I don’t need to be ashamed of who I am or things I like
  • I’ve started reading Harry Potter (much to the distress of my mom)
    • I’m on the 4th book, hoping to be done by July for the last film! 
  • I’m going to try to do more things in front of a camera, so be on the lookout for that! (scary but good!)
  • Ultimately, I’m going to stay with Redeemer and allow Jesus to heal some of the major brokenness within my soul through the people and relationships He has given me, even when I don’t think there are any relationships…He is showing me that isn’t true. 
And now, looking toward this new path God seems to be laying before me, I see many more new adventures as well as more development of my character and identity in Jesus. Oh, and I plan to write a song at some point. I’ve never done that and it seems like the perfect outlet for some self-expression. If it gets recorded, I’ll for sure post it for y’all. 
God is doing something big and I look forward to seeing what fruit comes out of this phase of my life. 
Peace and Blessings. 

The Roads Not Taken

This may be a vague post. Let me apologize right now. 🙂

I recently had a great conversation with a very wise woman that led me to discover something I’ve been missing for a while. A spirit of freedom.

I’m finally looking at my life with renewed vision for the future. A year ago, I felt hopeless. I would look into my future and see clouds and fog. Nothing was clear and the road ahead seemed to almost non-existent. So I didn’t move ahead because I didn’t see where to go.

Now, I’m beginning to see some roads and I’m just trying to decide which road to take.

That’s really all I can say at this point. The next month will be very exciting and I’ll be happy to share once I know more myself! Please pray that God would guide me down the road and provide me with the time and space to debrief this time with Him.

 

I spell woman Z-i-z-e-s

OK, I confess that this is another Glee blog post…kind of.

You see, this past week in Glee meant more to me than most, if any, other episodes in the series. Another confession: I’ve watched “Silly Love Songs” at least 4 times since it aired on Tuesday night (and as I write this it’s Friday afternoon). Moving on…

What about this episode made it my favorite episode? Was it the adorable new friendship that seems to have formed between Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt? While I loved that, it’s not the reason. Was it the astonishing developments between Blaine and Kurt? Very close because, OH-MY-GOODNESS I loved that. But that’s still not it. Simply stated: Lauren Zizes.

Lauren pictured above from a previous episode.

We have seen this character many times throughout the show (as a Vampire, sneeze attack girl, etc.) and at the end of last season, she became a prime time player (sort of) by joining New Directions only to help them have enough performers to compete for Regionals. Since then, the writers have given her more to work with and some of the best lines in each episode. This past week, she became something that no one on Glee has portrayed before. The character who brings the issue of weight and self-confidence. Yes, Mercedes is a confident character, but she isn’t shown or described by her weight like Lauren was in this episode. [Side note: the only episode/storyline that angers me was the “tots” episode with Mercedes..so I don’t count her in the weight representative role because it’s never been a big part of who she is or how she is seen at McKinley High]. Moving on….

Glee is all about the “outcasts” in high school (Glee members, gay students, minorities, etc.) but until now, we hadn’t really seen a story about weight & romance. Lauren is a bigger girl, but that’s not the only reason I loved this episode. It’s because of the character she portrays.

Typically on TV, we see overweight girls be shy/ not confident OR extremely asexual or unattractive to anyone, even themselves. But Lauren, excellently played by Ashley Fink, hasn’t turned out to be either of those. Granted, she has changed over the course of her time on Glee to what we saw on Tuesday… but now we have seen a different side of Lauren. She isn’t a desperate girl; she even requires Puck (Mark Salling) to “woo” her with more than just a song.

I love her confidence and her ability to be herself no matter what others may say about her. During the performance that Puck gives Lauren (the unfortunately titled “Fat-Bottom Girls”) we see all the other girls looking shocked that Puck would sing anything to Lauren. At first, Lauren looked surprised as well, but later we see that she’ll need more than just a song to get her to go on a date and she knows she deserves it. [!?!?]  I can’t remember another show that had such a strong female character who was “bigger than the usual bunch” and not self-loathing. She is confident and knows what she wants. It’s so refreshing to see a strong, larger woman on such a hit show like Glee.

And that’s why I love Lauren and why I now spell woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (Quote from the episode, which you can view here: http://www.fox.com/glee/full-episodes/). I doubt Ashley will even read this, but if she does, I hope she knows that she’s brought a wonderful new outlook to Glee and all of us “bigger” girls out there.

Loss

It’s been a little under 2 1/2 months since I left my bag on the train. I’ve gone over and over the details of that day and even the night leading up to my train adventure to think of what I could or  should have done differently.

I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.

I wish I hadn’t brought my laundry along with me.

I wish I had driven myself.

I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.

I could literally go on forever with lists of “wishes” and “regrets”. At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn’t doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited…and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.

It’s not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It’s about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I’ve had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes “move” but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn’t replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a “back-up” for the “real” retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It’s not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it’s a small change, but still…). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I’m still not “over” forgetting my bag. And just when I think I’m over it and can move-on, I’m reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my “good” retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.

Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I’ve spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle…to bring back my bag! It was a low point.

So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I  need to forgive myself. I’m so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don’t trust myself with anything valuable now. I’m so afraid that I’ll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don’t want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father…

Peace.

Glee Controversy

As many who have gmail and have seen my status recently, I cannot seem to get “Glee” out of my mind. I sing the songs, think about the storylines, obsessively watch old episodes, etc. So when I saw this article about “The Business of Glee” I read it right away. Here is a link to this article in the Hollywood Reporter: Inside the Hot Business of Glee. It’s a pretty good article about what making the show is like and gives insight into who does what and how it gets on-air each week. Basic summary: Ryan Murphy does everything! But, all kidding aside, there was a statement that I read which caught me off guard. In the Hollywood Reporter article, Murphy mentions Kings of Leon and how they wouldn’t allow for Glee to use their songs to cover. Ryan said, 

” F— you, Kings of Leon,” he says, raising the volume of his monotonal interview voice ever so lightly. “They’re self-centered assholes, and they missed the big picture. They missed that a 7-year-old kid can see someone close to their age singing a Kings of Leon song, which will maybe make them want to join a glee club or pick up a musical instrument. It’s like, OK, hate on arts education. You can make fun of Glee all you want, but at its heart, what we really do is turn kids on to music.”

What got my attention was how harsh he was towards the band and on such a public level too. Little did I know that it would spark a controversy as it has. I read the article and then it was all over the news! I guess the article was right in it’s title “Big Business” of Glee. Here’s my thinking: I understand that some people don’t like the show. It’s perfectly normal considering people’s taste in things can vary. Sometimes those people are normal folks like you and me, and sometimes those people are major recording artists who don’t want to associate their music with the show. It should have ended there.

But now we have twitter responses and reactions to comments that I would bet money each party would want to take back.

Here is the article I read with the comments made by both parties: Kings of Leon vs. Glee

This shouldn’t have been a big deal, but once the “wear a bra” comment was made, it was all over. Especially if we think about how much Glee has showcased bullying and gay students struggling against comments and attacks. How could Ryan Murphy not comment?  Nathan from Kings of Leon, came across as the exact type of person Glee fights against and stands up to, a bully. It made me gasp when I read what he said to Mr. Murphy. It’s just a sad situation that shouldn’t have ever happened.