Last night I drove the new SP Interns to LAX for them to catch a 16-hour flight to Manila. All day I felt nervous and anxious and I couldn’t understand why. It was as though I was going on the trip with them and the thought of returning to such a hard place made my stomach turn. I barely ate because I was too anxious.
When I got home from work, I had to close my bedroom door to quiet myself before meeting with the interns soon after. I was nervous… but I didn’t want to share my nerves with the interns because I’m sure they had enough of their own.
But I kept asking myself, “Why am I so nervous?”.
We eventually got in the car and began the journey to LAX. We chatted a bit about their days, listened to GLEE, and after what seemed like no time at all, we were pulling up to the International Terminal. I gave my intern car-buddies each a hug and they were off. I looked into the terminal and remembered how terrified I was 2 years ago when that was me preparing to fly to Manila…
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After dropping off the interns and leaving LAX heading back to South LA on the 110 fwy, I broke down in tears. I cried and cried. I didn’t know why I was crying, but I knew I needed to feel those emotions and let them out. It’s almost as though I was reliving the feelings I had on the plane two years earlier.
I’ve been learning/realizing a lot about myself these past couple of weeks. Learning that as much as I don’t want to admit that I am broken, I am in fact, very broken. Certain sins that I don’t want to admit I fall into, I do. I fall and sin… I am broken and messed up. I need God each day. I may sometimes forget how much I need God, but that doesn’t change the fact that I desperately need Him. Without God, I am just a broken sinful woman with no hope of restoration or healing. But with God, I have hope. A hope that I will heal from the wounds I brought from Manila. A hope that one day I will be thankful/grateful for my time there.
I have hope that one day all this mess and sin will no longer weigh me down when I am with my Lord.
I will be free.
Please pray for the interns currently in Manila. I know that I was changed by the things and people I saw during my 3 weeks there and needed prayer. The slum in Manila they will be living in is a hard place. Some of them have experienced such poverty and conditions, but others may not. There might be an intern who got on that plane and began crying just like me. So please, join me in praying for this new class of interns and their journey to Manila. I would also love your prayers as I begin looking into counseling to heal from the deep, dark, messed up places in my heart (some of which came to the surface 2 years ago in Manila and again yesterday).
Blessings,
Erika
Everyday Erika 